Jennifer Van Syckle  0:00  
For this episode, we're going to welcome back a prior podcast guest because she had so much to share with us. We couldn't fit it on one episode. And so I'd like to welcome back Aubrie Carey, as we continue listening to her story, from being the victim of a school shooting to the mental health issues that stemmed from that incident. Her story is incredible. And you don't want to miss it

if we can just take time to talk about the postpartum depression element to just to kind of educate people on that. No,

Aubrie Carey  0:36  
absolutely. I guess we'll start with the hospital. I think that's a good place to start because I had my baby. And there is nothing in the world, like holding your newborn baby. For the first time. After you've gone through labor and or C section. I did not have a C section. I delivered naturally. But everything was wonderful. Everything was fantastic over the moon, my baby had some health issues while we were there, but we got through them and everything was great until discharge day. And then there was all of a sudden it hit me that all of these nurses who were I mean, I think they changed pretty much all of his diapers for me. They just did it. I didn't have to ask them. They just came in and they did it. And they checked to make sure he was feeding and they were checking his vitals and my vitals and I just felt so cared for. And all of a sudden they're like, Okay, go home. Good luck. And I was like, Ah, no, it's this. This is terrifying. But we went home, I was exhausted. And it was like the exhaustion kind of hit me a little extra when we pulled into our house. I was like, boy, I'm really tired. It'll be nice to sleep in my own bed. But how much sleep am I actually going to get? I have a newborn baby. That high that I had felt the for those few days in the hospital, really started to tank once, you know, a couple hours before discharge. And then we got home and we were exhausted. And of course there's grandparents and they're just they're so excited to meet grandbaby. And, you know, things were so good. A few days went by breastfeeding was brutal. It was so painful. And it was us relying on your baby signals. And they tried to tell you what those signals are. But you don't have a clue. Right? You're winging it. It was. So that was really stressful. I have said it before. And I'll say it again, the exhaustion. There is nothing like it. And so everything is now 100 times harder because you're sleep deprived, everything, you know, everything that goes wrong is 100 times worse. And every feeling is 100 times more intense because you're so tired. That was probably where it started to really go down downhill for me. I've had a couple friends who had had their babies like just a month or two prior. And they have warned me they said the baby blues will hit you out of nowhere. And for them pretty much all of them and it happened around you know, like they got home from the hospital. It was about five days postpartum three to five days and it hit but it was gone in like three to five days. Well, nothing for me really changed. I was exhausted. And I was I can't say I was like glowing happy because I wasn't I was just tired. I think that was just like a as that was my personality was just tired. Then it was actually about day seven. No, no, it would have been closer to like day nine or 10. And that's when things started to get a little out of hand. Any time my son would cry. I would cry. The first few days when that happened. I was like, Okay, these are the baby blues. Give it like three days, three to five days, it'll be gone. Five days went by and things I was not getting better. I was not I found enjoyment in nothing. I would literally so they tell you oh, just nap when your baby naps. You know just just nap when your baby naps? Well, anyone who's been around newborns knows that newborns sleep a lot, which is great. They eat and they sleep. And that's it. That's pretty much all they do. Well, he would go down, he would take a little nap. And so I would be like, Okay, let's take a nap. And I would lay down and I would try to close my eyes and my heart would race. And it would just pound and it would be going so fast. And I would find myself hyperventilating. And I would be having these ridiculous thoughts thoughts like, what am I going to do when my when he turns four years old? What am I going to do when he starts kindergarten? What am I going to do when he graduates from high school? What am I going to do when he gets married one day? Like why? Like rationally I knew those thoughts there. We don't need to worry about that. That's so far in the future. Let's just focus on now let's just focus on, he's sleeping and you should sleep too. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop obsessing. And it would throw me into an absolute panic. And I have suffered from panic attacks for most of my life. And it was terrifying. And I think the most terrifying part of all was, here's this baby, and I need to care for him. And I'm frozen. And I don't know how, because I can't even I can't even take care of myself right now. That was really hard. That was really, really tough to to work through. And that is where she found me on one of her visits, where he woke up so that she could take his vitals and it was time to nurse him. And I burst into tears. And I said, I don't want to feed my baby, because because it's so painful. And I'm so tired. And I don't I don't want to anymore, but I have to, and I'm going to but I don't want to. And that's where she stepped in. And that's where I got help.

Jennifer Van Syckle  6:08  
I'm sure many can relate without a doubt. One thing I feel like if I was in your shoes, I would have been worried about the medication. I can't take medication because what I eat my baby is eating. So you know, were you able to? It sounds like you went on medication. Were you able to keep breastfeeding and nursing? With the medication you were on?

Aubrie Carey  6:29  
Yes, I was. There is actually it's the I'm a huge fan of this. This pill I believe it's called visceral hmm. And this visceral is an as needed anxiety medication. Oh, interesting. So you don't just take it every day. You take it only when you feel like you need to. And it's it's actually an antihistamine. So it's like a super powered Benadryl, kind of, and you know, Benadryl makes you sleepy visceral does the same thing. It makes you sleepy. And so when my midwife told me about it, she said this is what we're going to start with it is safe for breastfeeding, because the dosage is low. And it's only as needed. And because it's just an anti histamine, the most it will do is make your baby a little sleepier, there's only a certain amount you can take every day. And they do tell you, you know, watch for your baby, if your baby is extra lethargic, stop. But overall, it's very safe in small doses. And she said you only take it as needed. And she said that there are a lot of moms who she prescribes it to who, just knowing they have that bottle of pills is all they need. And I was actually very similar to that, believe it or not, despite how awful I was feeling. I think once I got that bottle from the pharmacy, and I brought it home, the following less than a month in that month, there are 30 pills in that bottle. And in 30 days, I took three Oh, wow. Hmm. That was it. I remember taking the first one. And, you know, when I was starting to have those really intrusive thoughts when I was trying to nap while my baby napped, and I took one. And I was able to get to sleep. And I remember waking up and thinking to myself, oh my goodness, I feel human. I can do this, I can be a mom. And I can be a good mom. And it's okay, like it was it was life changing. And then I didn't need another pill for another week or two. And it was just you know, the again, then the sleep deprivation got to me well, and then I started having intrusive thoughts. And I took one and was able to take a nap. And I was better. And I will say my baby blues. I thought that would only last me three to five days. Like my friends said that it did mine last two weeks and upwards a little upwards of two weeks. It was it was more like 16 days. And I got the visceral pills at about in those 16 days, it was probably about day five was when I first got that prescription. And so took my first one on day six. And then like I said, I actually you know, even though the baby blues were still there for 10 more days, knowing that I had those pills there if I needed them, actually brought me a great deal of comfort and relief. Yeah. And I didn't even need to take that many. And so there was no need really to worry about any side effects with my baby because I really didn't take them very often.

Jennifer Van Syckle  9:44  
Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. You weren't fighting that alone. Suddenly you had a tool. That's amazing. And that's very, very cool. How old is your little guy now? Aubrey how far out? Are we from all this?

Aubrie Carey  9:57  
He will be 11 months on December nineteenth. Okay. Very nice are almost to the almost through the first year, which is crazy. I don't know where the time went. Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer Van Syckle  10:08  
And did you ever feel like you had a relapse later in the year at all with your postpartum, like you made it through those two weeks, the 16 days of baby blues powered through them. You still have your prescription, though? Did you see anything down the road later, where it kind of hit you again,

Aubrie Carey  10:23  
I wouldn't say that it was necessarily like postpartum related. I have struggled with that I've had mental health issues my whole life. I guess I can't even say my whole life. They kind of started in my teen years, when I was when I was 13. As a freshman in high school, September 27, 2006, was the school shooting at Platte Canyon High School, that was my my high school. Oh, wow, that was my classroom. So that was really traumatic. You have an active shooter, you don't know what's going on, you're crammed into a classroom, into the corner of a classroom literally piled on top of each other, to try and stay out of sight of somebody with with a gun in your school. We were stuck in there for hours. And that was a traumatic experience that I think shaped more of my adult life than even I'm aware of. I ended up having a really poor relationship with my mom after that. But I think the trauma from that had a lot to do with it. My mom, she I mean, how do you how do you talk your child through that? Right? Right. That's not a situation as a parent that you ever want to be in, you never want your child to be in that situation. And so how do you deal with that, like, it's your it's an impossible place to be. And with that, and you know, my mom was a teacher at the middle school right next door. And so she experienced quite a bit of trauma, just not knowing where her daughter was. And knowing that there's, there's someone with a gun over there who you know, wants wants to kill students and my daughter's over there, and I, I can't get ahold of her. And I don't know if she's alive. So that's traumatic for my mom. That was something, you know, that I think really impacted our relationship because both of us felt unheard and unseen. And it was awful. And so I think that's where actually a lot of my terror of having my own child really kicked in was knowing how awful my relationship was with my mom back then. I started having panic attacks about shortly after that experience with the school shooting, my panic attacks started, I developed an eating disorder in high school, I was anorexic. So there was just a lot of stuff going on. And I got into college and things started to improve a little bit in college, and I actually sought out counseling, I went to the, you know, to the counselor there at Western. And that was really helpful just really helped me grow and develop. When I moved to Missoula got my first job. I started going into therapy there as well. That's probably actually where my mental health really started to get really bad was in Missoula. And I think part of it had to do with the weather, to be honest with

Jennifer Van Syckle  13:08  
you. It is it is a cloudy place in the winter, it is without a doubt. Yes. Namely cloudy anymore in the summer, it's a smoky place. And so yeah.

Aubrie Carey  13:19  
And so so I really was struggling there that and I think it's also just a hard time in your life when you're 21 years old, and you're trying to find your way in the world and where you fit in. And it's just just a rough time, like people think, Oh, you grow through high school, and then they make it seem like you have it all figured out. And you don't right, just right. And so my mental health there in Missoula was actually pretty poor. And so actually, when climbing the corporate ladder, sent me to Denver, those kind of a godsend, because then I was closer to my family again. And by this point, it was amazing how just some distance about 1000 miles really helped mine and my mom's relationship with some space actually gave each of us more patience with each other and more understanding more grace. And I mean, we have an awesome relationship. Now I love my mom. And I just think she's one strong lady and I just have such great respect for her. But boy, that was rough. And I can only look back now and see how that trauma really affected our relationship that way. But so when I moved to Denver, I actually got diagnosed with schizophrenia. And that was again, there's another reason why I was terrified of having kids is I don't want to make a baby that's going to be like this. That's gonna struggle like me. So I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was put on medication, and I hated it hated the medication and made me dead, like emotionally dead, checked out, not even present. And it could have very well been that maybe my dosage was too high. And I didn't know, that's totally a possibility because I know that there is medication that is really great and helps people live in normal life. And for me, that was not the case. I remember my friend called to tell me, these horses that we used to work with a whole bunch of them, the owner just abandoned them. And so half of them had to be put down and the other half were sent to a rescue. And she calls and she's in tears. And she tells me these horses that she and I worked with for over a year. And I remember just being like, oh, that sad, huh. And that's when it really hit me. I'm like, Oh, my gosh, there's something wrong here. That's how you react when you find out that these animals that you love have had to be put down because they were abandoned. So I quit that the good news is I hadn't been on the medication for too long. So I think that was the only reason why I didn't have physical symptoms. But But boy, it was it was it was pretty rough mentally, for a little while, for a couple of weeks, when I moved back to Montana, was really when I started to become a little more mindful about my mental health and just trying to be a little more aware about what my triggers were. And it took a few years, but my diagnosis of schizophrenia actually changed. I went to see a different doctor, actually, in Helena, she diagnosed it as stress induced schizophrenia, which she actually linked to being caused by the traumatic incident of the school shooting that I was in, that I was a victim of. And so it was something about that updated diagnosis that was really freeing for me, because, okay, like this was a traumatic event that led to this. But even so, I still have hallucinations, and I still have panic attacks. And that's something that my provider through community integrated health knew about. Then she kept her eyes open for that, something my midwife knew, my therapist knew. And my husband obviously knew, and has been an enormous help to me. And we do have a plan, you know, like that we utilize when I have panic attacks and stuff to help me calm down.

Jennifer Van Syckle  17:14  
There's probably listeners that are probably sitting here going, Oh, my God, yes. Yeah, same thing. And I mean, just to air this out and have it in the open is just such a beautiful thing. I'm so glad that you had community integrated health care, that is so cool that this grant program was available, which put this funding in the right hands, which was there to help you and help your son and your husband and your family. Thank goodness for programs like that. On behalf of myself, and the podcast crew behind the scenes. I want to give a huge, huge thank you to Aubrey for sharing her story, and for bringing a lot of these issues out into the light. Thank you, Aubrey. And thank you for joining us for this episode of Talking Health in the 406 where we're one community under the Big sky. A lot of information was shared on today's episode. And if you'd like to learn more, visit our website at talkinghealthinthe406.mt.gov. And if you haven't already, please be sure and like, subscribe, and share our podcast. Until next time, take care

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